So where were we?
Ah. I find out I have PCOS. I also begin seeing an Infertility Specialist who wants me on a drug called Metformin which is supposed to help with weight loss and help jump start the ovulation process.
And so the infertility dance begins.
During this initial quest, I am still hopeful. I take the Chlomid and Metformin for about 6 months but nothing really changed to indicate ovulation. When I was about to start doing the dreaded (and self administered) shots in the stomach, I was ready to take a break.
Then a year goes by. My cycles return on their own but they were crazy. Some were every 20 days. Others were every 52 days. But I felt like it was progress because I had not had a cycle in so long. I still went up and down with my weight. The break was a time for me to not even deal with infertility but now I felt like a barren woman, not worthy of bearing a child and my marriage took a major hit.
My husband and I struggled the first few years of our marriage after a short courtship and many financial hardships. Our intimacy became almost nonexistent and I even entertained the ugly, D word. Hopelessness and despair became close friends. Then my old, best friend and I got reacquainted.
Anger.
I needed to someone to blame. Not God, of course. If I blame Him he will snatch my uterus right out of me when I am not looking. Can't make the Creator of human life mad. Not my husband. Can't blame a man you are seldom intimate with. So who is to blame? Where can I direct my anger at the unjustness of it all?
Mothers. All of em.' Pregnant women, grandmothers, unwed teen girls, moms who complain about being moms, moms who are pregnant and don't want a particular gender. The wrath of Jessica was coming their way. I was justified by the cry of an empty womb and by golly those women had better tread lightly in my presence. If you were pregnant, you better suck that belly in or apologize profusely for carrying your 8 month fetus in my face. If you complained about your whiny child, my brain would scream at them..."At least you have a child albeit a whiny one!" What did I have? Two dogs, a cat, and marriage on the rocks.
Bitter was an understatement to describe how I felt. Baby showers were like torture devices wrapped in powder smelling packages. I was practically writhing in pain at all the seasoned mothers and their precious nuggets of wisdom. The looks of pity when asked if I have children and my answer of no with a cheerful "We're trying!" added in for good measure.
Ugh. And it always felt like a baby boom was upon our church during the darkest and lowest times. Everyone was pregnant! My favorite was when I would get the pregnancy announcements in batches of threes and fours. Or shower invitations on consecutive weekends.
I think I have described the pain adequately. This daily pain of wanting to be a mother down to every cell in my body crying out, "WHEN IS IT GOING TO BE MY TURN?"
Now understand that adoption was not even on my radar. To be honest, it felt second rate to take in a child that was someone else's. I was actually appalled at the idea. Because that was not the plan. I was going to be married at 24, pregnant by 25 and on to my third child by 30.
That. Was. The. PLAN. But I was 29.
And how could I love a child that was not my flesh and blood? How could we even be a real family?
When the journey brought me down this low path of bitterness and jealousy, I began believing I was literally barren. During this time, I was in a bible study and one week we were studying the verse in Isaiah 54 that says "Sing, O barren woman, you who never bore a child..." and on this day as we read this verse, I begin making this sputtering, moaning sound before erupting into tears. Of course, the study leader does what I despise...stops the study in its tracks to focus on me. Every other woman in the room (with all wonderful intentions) touch my arm, leg, or grabbed tissues, and got ready for me to spill my heart. Then, I hear myself cry out, "I CAN'T HAVE CHILDREN!" and lose myself in desperate sobbing. As I sit here and remember this I am wincing because all I think now is "Geesh, what a drama queen. Where did I get that from? No doctor had ever even told me that."
But I believed it with everything in me.
The leader begins a beautiful dissertation on how adoption is a viable and wonderful way to be a parent. I think I actually heard violins. I then say out loud that adoption is not what I want. I want my own children who look like me and my husband. I want his sweet spirit or my humor in my child. His eyes, my hair color. And the leader says that maybe an adopted child won't look like you but they can have your values and even your mannerisms...and in the same breath says...wait for it..."Although none of my children could ever try and claim not to be mine because they look exactly like me."
I nearly lost my religion.
How she thought this was inspiring or encouraging is beyond me. Of course, as you read this you know I adopted Cati. My oldest. My heart in the flesh. Who is exactly like me and so gets me. So Bible lady with carbon copy kids meant well. And she was actually right. But I think of the bible verse in Proverbs 25:20 where it says,
"Like one who takes away a garment on a cold day, or like vinegar poured on soda, is one who sings songs to a heavy heart."
Needless to say, I never returned to that bible study. But for the next several months I just kind of coasted along, being a wife, being a Christian, and figuring out where God wanted us to go next. Because becoming pregnant was starting to become a far reaching dream that I would never realize.
Until one Wednesday, as I watched Channel 10 news with a segment called Wednesday's Child. A day that would begin a journey that would change our lives...
September 2, 2009
September 1, 2009
Two Tips Tuesday
Tip #1 Make Your Own Craft Box
I don't remember where I read this in a magazine, but a mom had given a great tip of putting paints into a pill box. It was a really great way to store the paints too because you can close it up when you are done and still reuse the leftover paint after you are finished. I thought this was so brilliant and had to pass it along here. The dollar store can once again deliver and they even sell the enormous pill boxes for even more storage. Love, love, love this tip!
Recently, I made this craft box for a good friend of mine who has two little girls like I do! She had read the post about making an easy flower mobile and said she needed to make a craft box and then we could swap ours to see how many things we could make out of them. I thought this was a great opportunity to give her one and shop as if it were my own. What fun I had stocking this girly pink and brown storage box. It just folds flat when not in use and I loved the idea of how much room it has. I made a cute label for the front, went to the dollar store (I know. They need to pay me for how much I talk about that place) and had a glorious, retail adventure. All while answering Cati's incessant questions of, "Mommy, what's this? Mommy can I have this?"
So cute, right? I want one. My box is a plastic container. Grrrr...
Here's the inside. This is what I bought since you can't see everything...
Foam bookmarks
Foam ABC letter stickers
Foam Sheets
Foam Beads
Foam Photo Album Craft
Wooden Butterfly Craft
Pastel Pom Poms
Stickers
Colored Construction Paper
Pretty Printer Paper
Craft Scissors (for Mommy)
Kid's Scissors
Glue Sticks
Markers
White Paint
Paint Brushes
If they had them, I would have added pipe cleaners, ribbon, etc. So much more you can put in there and it is a great starter box. I was kind of excited that it was such a fun gift! Now I want it!
Tip #2 Convenient Paint Storage
I don't remember where I read this in a magazine, but a mom had given a great tip of putting paints into a pill box. It was a really great way to store the paints too because you can close it up when you are done and still reuse the leftover paint after you are finished. I thought this was so brilliant and had to pass it along here. The dollar store can once again deliver and they even sell the enormous pill boxes for even more storage. Love, love, love this tip!
Hope you enjoyed today's arts and crafts tips. Just so you know, if you are not the craft type these are still good tips to encourage your kids to get crafty and creative. You might get into it too!
Have I told you I just love Tuesdays?
P.S. I wrote this post last week and scheduled it for today. So over the weekend I could not resist and I had to upgrade my own craft box. I coveted my gift and surrendered . What can you do? This is my totally cute and new craft box! It even matches my bedroom where I keep it from curious yet destructive, little hands.
August 31, 2009
Christian Confessions
Beth Moore. Living Proof Simulcast. This past weekend. Glorious.
What an amazing time of renewal in my heart, sweet fellowship with my girlfriends, and rockin' out some praise for the Lord! I wish I knew where to begin about what made this weekend exactly what I needed. I have been going through such a desert time in my walk as a Christian and asking God to revitalize the fellowship we once had. Sadly, I found that I have built layers onto my calloused heart. I truly have been living each day as if I were the controller of my own destiny. Not absolutely sure why I decided to take the driver's seat of my own life because I am seriously lost! I am on an unbeaten path, so to speak. Its boring. There is no scenery. No excitement. No danger. I am just traveling along the day to day commute of life. Just wondering how life began happening to me instead of things happening in my life.
Then, this weekend I realized my issue. I have joked about it with friends but never knew the sin that had taken over my thought life. It was the sin of glorifying myself. I cringe as I tap out these keys admitting openly the dark, cobwebby places of my mind. See, this is where long time Christians get tripped up. We strip away all the obvious stuff...like partying, having a potty mouth, slandering others, blah, blah, blah. But its the MIND where it all begins. The actual enticement of sin. We entertain it like long lost friends and they manifest into thoughts that soon become behaviors. This is frightening because the life of a Christian does not model this...actually, it is the exact opposite. We are to decrease as Christ increases within. We are to glorify God, not ourselves and our lives are the exemplification of Christ. When you see me, you need to see Jesus. So here is the bile that comes to the fore as I think on this truth for myself...if I want my own glory, then I am no better than Satan himself who equates himself to God wanting the same glory.
This disgusts me to the core.
And it makes me realize that I have a lot of work to do. Not because anything I can do will make God love me, pleased more or less, or even appease Him from anger. No, He understands my humanity and that understanding alone is mercy and undeserved grace in its purity. But the work of a Christian sold out for Jesus. Taking up my cross. Surrendering my total will; not part of it.
Now I am thinking of that song...
This is so the cry of my heart. And because of that I want to admit some things here. Not because it's funny or blog worthy. But because we are set free by not hiding and becoming transparent. So many Christians hurt the Christian image as a whole because they are scared to be honest and seen as fallible. Because guess what? We all fall short of the glory of God!
So here are my 10 confessions so that we can keep it real at Two Shades of Pink, get encouraged and realize working out our salvation is living up to what we have already attained. So many people have it backwards. They are working towards acceptance. Praise you Jesus Christ, I am already accepted and I am asked to live out my salvation that is 100% assured.
Ready?
1. During Beth Moore on Friday night, I was praying with my whole heart, asking God to get all the glory, to bring me back to the heart of worship and all of a sudden my closet pops in my head and I begin moving hangers figuring our what I am going to wear to the Saturday portion of the Simulcast.
2. Most days when I have a choice to read my bible or read Christian fiction. I pick the fiction every time since it is a lot easier to live vicariously through a book character then devote my own daily fellowship with God.
3. Sometimes when I sing worship in church, I wonder if people heard the notes I am hitting really well rather then remembering the God I am supposed to be worshipping.
4. I had a Jehovah's Witness come to my door the other day. The girls were napping and instead of talking to her for 2 hours like I would have 2 years ago (I so know they got together and marked my house with an X and never came here anymore because I would trap them with chocolate chip scones and the solid truth of Jesus Christ) I told her I was a born again Christian and I really was not interested. I was nice but where the heck was my loving witness? In all honesty? I wanted to be alone with the free time I had.
5. I have been afraid to write on this blog like I am with this post because I cared more about gaining readers then I did about my own convictions. I am not saying every post will be like a sermon but I never want to water down my very life source again.
6. I spend more time preparing my look each Sunday then I do about preparing my heart for God's message.
7. I gossip more than I care to admit. Yet, I am rather intuitive to others who do the same and can hold them at arms length.
8. I often judge my husband and where he is lacking spiritually rather than focusing on where I am utterly wanting in my own faith. It is so easy for me to spot the sin of others and cover it over my own with appalling piety.
9. I am so insecure that I think I spend more time worried about what my friends think of me then enjoying and growing a friendship. This also affects me in my witness. I want people to like me more than I want them to hear the Good News.
10. I quickly become disenchanted by Christians who fall due to holding high expectations of those in the faith. Grace is often a willful choice for me. I do extend grace, but remember I am sharing my thought life with you. But it does change my behavior. So where others will reach out, snatch those from the flames, I can sometimes desire to watch them burn and call it natural consequence.
OK. I may need to go throw up after admitting all of these things. But here is the thing. I am a work in progress. I acknowledge my limitations and ask God to transform me. To give me His likeness. To use me mightily.
And most of all...to get all the Glory.
What an amazing time of renewal in my heart, sweet fellowship with my girlfriends, and rockin' out some praise for the Lord! I wish I knew where to begin about what made this weekend exactly what I needed. I have been going through such a desert time in my walk as a Christian and asking God to revitalize the fellowship we once had. Sadly, I found that I have built layers onto my calloused heart. I truly have been living each day as if I were the controller of my own destiny. Not absolutely sure why I decided to take the driver's seat of my own life because I am seriously lost! I am on an unbeaten path, so to speak. Its boring. There is no scenery. No excitement. No danger. I am just traveling along the day to day commute of life. Just wondering how life began happening to me instead of things happening in my life.
Then, this weekend I realized my issue. I have joked about it with friends but never knew the sin that had taken over my thought life. It was the sin of glorifying myself. I cringe as I tap out these keys admitting openly the dark, cobwebby places of my mind. See, this is where long time Christians get tripped up. We strip away all the obvious stuff...like partying, having a potty mouth, slandering others, blah, blah, blah. But its the MIND where it all begins. The actual enticement of sin. We entertain it like long lost friends and they manifest into thoughts that soon become behaviors. This is frightening because the life of a Christian does not model this...actually, it is the exact opposite. We are to decrease as Christ increases within. We are to glorify God, not ourselves and our lives are the exemplification of Christ. When you see me, you need to see Jesus. So here is the bile that comes to the fore as I think on this truth for myself...if I want my own glory, then I am no better than Satan himself who equates himself to God wanting the same glory.
This disgusts me to the core.
And it makes me realize that I have a lot of work to do. Not because anything I can do will make God love me, pleased more or less, or even appease Him from anger. No, He understands my humanity and that understanding alone is mercy and undeserved grace in its purity. But the work of a Christian sold out for Jesus. Taking up my cross. Surrendering my total will; not part of it.
Now I am thinking of that song...
Holiness, holiness is what I long for
Holiness is what I need.
Holiness, holiness is what you want from me
So take my heart and form it
Take my mind; transform it
Take my will and conform it
to yours, to yours, O Lord.
This is so the cry of my heart. And because of that I want to admit some things here. Not because it's funny or blog worthy. But because we are set free by not hiding and becoming transparent. So many Christians hurt the Christian image as a whole because they are scared to be honest and seen as fallible. Because guess what? We all fall short of the glory of God!
So here are my 10 confessions so that we can keep it real at Two Shades of Pink, get encouraged and realize working out our salvation is living up to what we have already attained. So many people have it backwards. They are working towards acceptance. Praise you Jesus Christ, I am already accepted and I am asked to live out my salvation that is 100% assured.
Ready?
1. During Beth Moore on Friday night, I was praying with my whole heart, asking God to get all the glory, to bring me back to the heart of worship and all of a sudden my closet pops in my head and I begin moving hangers figuring our what I am going to wear to the Saturday portion of the Simulcast.
2. Most days when I have a choice to read my bible or read Christian fiction. I pick the fiction every time since it is a lot easier to live vicariously through a book character then devote my own daily fellowship with God.
3. Sometimes when I sing worship in church, I wonder if people heard the notes I am hitting really well rather then remembering the God I am supposed to be worshipping.
4. I had a Jehovah's Witness come to my door the other day. The girls were napping and instead of talking to her for 2 hours like I would have 2 years ago (I so know they got together and marked my house with an X and never came here anymore because I would trap them with chocolate chip scones and the solid truth of Jesus Christ) I told her I was a born again Christian and I really was not interested. I was nice but where the heck was my loving witness? In all honesty? I wanted to be alone with the free time I had.
5. I have been afraid to write on this blog like I am with this post because I cared more about gaining readers then I did about my own convictions. I am not saying every post will be like a sermon but I never want to water down my very life source again.
6. I spend more time preparing my look each Sunday then I do about preparing my heart for God's message.
7. I gossip more than I care to admit. Yet, I am rather intuitive to others who do the same and can hold them at arms length.
8. I often judge my husband and where he is lacking spiritually rather than focusing on where I am utterly wanting in my own faith. It is so easy for me to spot the sin of others and cover it over my own with appalling piety.
9. I am so insecure that I think I spend more time worried about what my friends think of me then enjoying and growing a friendship. This also affects me in my witness. I want people to like me more than I want them to hear the Good News.
10. I quickly become disenchanted by Christians who fall due to holding high expectations of those in the faith. Grace is often a willful choice for me. I do extend grace, but remember I am sharing my thought life with you. But it does change my behavior. So where others will reach out, snatch those from the flames, I can sometimes desire to watch them burn and call it natural consequence.
OK. I may need to go throw up after admitting all of these things. But here is the thing. I am a work in progress. I acknowledge my limitations and ask God to transform me. To give me His likeness. To use me mightily.
And most of all...to get all the Glory.
August 30, 2009
Tooth Bear Craft
Yep. I'm doing a craft post. It will be short, I promise.
I share this little craft with you since I am in the frame of mind of gift giving for kids right now. So many birthdays, babies about to be born, etc I am always thinking of what I can give with the personal touch.
I was a little nervous giving these as a gift but it was for my BFF's two boys and she always appreciates my frugal...ok....handmade gifts. At the very least, if she already had something like this for them put away they could have little keepsake bears (they are pretty small...perfect for the Ms. Fairy to retrieve under a pillow).
Now before you get a little intimidated, it actually ended up pretty easy. It was only a little hard because I had no idea how to do a whip stitch or blanket stitch but I kinda got the hang of it after I was almost done. It looks VERY handmade but I kinda liked that effect. I changed up the look a little bit and put her boy's initials on the little pockets where the tooth goes. Her oldest (who was four at the time) was really excited about these bears. Who woulda thunk?
I got this idea from the Martha Stewart website and you can get the detailed instructions for this project here.
At the very least, I hope you enjoyed seeing a cute little craft. My hope is to make something like this for my girls but much more girly. A flower, bird, butterfly...the possibilities are just endless.
Am I converting any of you into getting crafty?
August 29, 2009
New Look
I am so excited about this new blog background and header that I can not even see straight!. I am beside myself!! (just got back from Beth Moore simulcast and had to throw in a Bethism)
Yesterday, the girls were playing dress up in these pink, poofy, totally all girl princess dresses and I just started snapping pictures. I wanted to post them but had nothing to write about but theeeeen...
Curiosity got the best of me and I checked out Shabby Blogs which had new goodies which I had been putting off taking a look. Everything on the site is just GORGEOUS so I knew if I just remained loyal to my old layout, all would be status quo and there would be no temptation to change. You give me too much choice and I will overload. And the backgrounds and pretty things are just all so wonderful I can't begin to choose.
But I peeked. And I was NOT disappointed! There I am just ooh and ahhing over all these beautiful bloggy things and then there it was. Drum roll, please. A beacon of light shined straight down from heaven right on the spot on the monitor where I was staring. I am convinced that Megan, the designer of this heaven sent site, had me in mind when including this header. But there was my new header and as sure as I knew I was breathing in and out, I knew my blog was about to get a make-over. A header with TWO SHADES OF PINK??? I immediately got to work and you are now seeing the new look.
So this may happen often. Its like redecorating your favorite room...for free. But I could not help myself; it was too perfect. I am still trying to get the ideal photo but until then, those are my girls in their dress-up, princess dresses just melting my heart all over again.
I just smile and think, ain't it grand to be a girl?
Yesterday, the girls were playing dress up in these pink, poofy, totally all girl princess dresses and I just started snapping pictures. I wanted to post them but had nothing to write about but theeeeen...
Curiosity got the best of me and I checked out Shabby Blogs which had new goodies which I had been putting off taking a look. Everything on the site is just GORGEOUS so I knew if I just remained loyal to my old layout, all would be status quo and there would be no temptation to change. You give me too much choice and I will overload. And the backgrounds and pretty things are just all so wonderful I can't begin to choose.
But I peeked. And I was NOT disappointed! There I am just ooh and ahhing over all these beautiful bloggy things and then there it was. Drum roll, please. A beacon of light shined straight down from heaven right on the spot on the monitor where I was staring. I am convinced that Megan, the designer of this heaven sent site, had me in mind when including this header. But there was my new header and as sure as I knew I was breathing in and out, I knew my blog was about to get a make-over. A header with TWO SHADES OF PINK??? I immediately got to work and you are now seeing the new look.
So this may happen often. Its like redecorating your favorite room...for free. But I could not help myself; it was too perfect. I am still trying to get the ideal photo but until then, those are my girls in their dress-up, princess dresses just melting my heart all over again.
I just smile and think, ain't it grand to be a girl?
August 28, 2009
The Story Behind 2 Shades of Pink
It's time. I have often wondered if this blog can sometimes confuse people. Do they wonder where the focus might be? Why I write stories one day, talk about how God inspires me the next and then throw a little crafty thing in there? But that's me. And I like it.
But you need to know how this all began. My journey to being a mother. How my life came to be at this point. At this moment. How the journey during these last 6 years have shaped me to be the person I am now.
This will be a blog mini-series of sorts. I am not sure if it will be daily or weekly because the story is long. Incredibly miraculous, so it is worth it. But I may have to return to a valley I have emerged from that was rather dark for me. Scary and hopeless (or so I thought). So I will do my best. My goal is to have my words here be a heritage to my children. Memories, creative fun, laughter, some tears and most of all, to thank my Jesus.
I am not sure how much humor will enter into this because this was a tough time in my life. You will share with me the pain of infertility, the path through becoming foster parents, understanding what it means to have radical faith, and becoming a mom to my girls. So here goes...
OK. I am staring at the monitor wondering how to begin this.
Let's start wiiiiiiith...
Once upon a time...I got married.
June 16, 2002 to be exact. A sweet outside wedding in North Carolina where we lived. My husband and I were friends for a year, started dating around Thanksgiving of 2001, engaged by February 2002 and BAM...married 4 months later. I so sounded like Emeril there and I really just don't have the energy to delete it. But whatever. Things were great. I had decided to go on birth control three months earlier fearful that I would be pregnant too soon. Oh, how young and idealistic I was. Anyway, told my OB that I had not had my period in a year. Yes, a year. She said she really did not think we had anything to worry about. We could run some blood tests but did not feel it was a major issue. Okidokes. You're the doc, I will go with that.
Within 10 months of being married, we moved to Florida and in November of 2003 we decide to start trying to have a baby. I have an annual check, tell them my plans, go off the pill and my period decides to be MIA for the next 3 months. I go back to my OB to find out what is going on, they run blood work and realize I have something I have never heard of before; Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. I had never heard of it but I had almost every single marker for having it. Always carried extra weight, still would break out like a teenager, my blood work confirmed it. The next step was an ultrasound of my ovaries which was the final confirmation since the ultrasound indicated a pearl like strand of cysts all over my ovaries. And so began a journey through infertility that I thought so naively was not a big deal.
Initially, it was not something I felt sad or worried about. I was not yet in the infertility trenches of yearning for a child. I was in the beginning stage of asking myself, how long will this really take? I will take some of these here chlomid pills, give it a whirl a few months and there you have it...we will make a baby. Uh, not what happened.
But in the process of this I began meeting fellow PCOSers. With children. Or pregnant. OK, so I was like what is the big deal? But after doing 3 cycles of chlomid with no indications of ovulation, it was time to be referred to an Infertility Specialist.
This is when allllllll the pieces began coming together to form the much needed BIG PICTURE for me. Here was the bottom line which finally became reality for me...it will be hard to get pregnant. Period. You kinda need to ovulate to make a baby. And I was not ovulating. At all.
OK. I am actually entering a sad place even with my two children sleeping peacefully in their rooms. So I am going to wrap up for today. It is the strangest thing. When you talk to anyone who has had a similar journey, you realize they never really can forget. The sadness and pain, I mean. My friend who has 4 children under 3 (triplets about to turn 3 and a 13 month old) still says it is hard to hear when people are pregnant. The same for me. And everyone I know seems to have a bun cooking or the timer just went off. But I will delve into that issue a little later. Just wanted you to get a sneak peek into the genesis of Jessica becoming a mommy.
Until my next post...or until one of these miracle babies do something funny again...
But you need to know how this all began. My journey to being a mother. How my life came to be at this point. At this moment. How the journey during these last 6 years have shaped me to be the person I am now.
This will be a blog mini-series of sorts. I am not sure if it will be daily or weekly because the story is long. Incredibly miraculous, so it is worth it. But I may have to return to a valley I have emerged from that was rather dark for me. Scary and hopeless (or so I thought). So I will do my best. My goal is to have my words here be a heritage to my children. Memories, creative fun, laughter, some tears and most of all, to thank my Jesus.
I am not sure how much humor will enter into this because this was a tough time in my life. You will share with me the pain of infertility, the path through becoming foster parents, understanding what it means to have radical faith, and becoming a mom to my girls. So here goes...
OK. I am staring at the monitor wondering how to begin this.
Let's start wiiiiiiith...
Once upon a time...I got married.
June 16, 2002 to be exact. A sweet outside wedding in North Carolina where we lived. My husband and I were friends for a year, started dating around Thanksgiving of 2001, engaged by February 2002 and BAM...married 4 months later. I so sounded like Emeril there and I really just don't have the energy to delete it. But whatever. Things were great. I had decided to go on birth control three months earlier fearful that I would be pregnant too soon. Oh, how young and idealistic I was. Anyway, told my OB that I had not had my period in a year. Yes, a year. She said she really did not think we had anything to worry about. We could run some blood tests but did not feel it was a major issue. Okidokes. You're the doc, I will go with that.
Within 10 months of being married, we moved to Florida and in November of 2003 we decide to start trying to have a baby. I have an annual check, tell them my plans, go off the pill and my period decides to be MIA for the next 3 months. I go back to my OB to find out what is going on, they run blood work and realize I have something I have never heard of before; Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. I had never heard of it but I had almost every single marker for having it. Always carried extra weight, still would break out like a teenager, my blood work confirmed it. The next step was an ultrasound of my ovaries which was the final confirmation since the ultrasound indicated a pearl like strand of cysts all over my ovaries. And so began a journey through infertility that I thought so naively was not a big deal.
Initially, it was not something I felt sad or worried about. I was not yet in the infertility trenches of yearning for a child. I was in the beginning stage of asking myself, how long will this really take? I will take some of these here chlomid pills, give it a whirl a few months and there you have it...we will make a baby. Uh, not what happened.
But in the process of this I began meeting fellow PCOSers. With children. Or pregnant. OK, so I was like what is the big deal? But after doing 3 cycles of chlomid with no indications of ovulation, it was time to be referred to an Infertility Specialist.
This is when allllllll the pieces began coming together to form the much needed BIG PICTURE for me. Here was the bottom line which finally became reality for me...it will be hard to get pregnant. Period. You kinda need to ovulate to make a baby. And I was not ovulating. At all.
OK. I am actually entering a sad place even with my two children sleeping peacefully in their rooms. So I am going to wrap up for today. It is the strangest thing. When you talk to anyone who has had a similar journey, you realize they never really can forget. The sadness and pain, I mean. My friend who has 4 children under 3 (triplets about to turn 3 and a 13 month old) still says it is hard to hear when people are pregnant. The same for me. And everyone I know seems to have a bun cooking or the timer just went off. But I will delve into that issue a little later. Just wanted you to get a sneak peek into the genesis of Jessica becoming a mommy.
Until my next post...or until one of these miracle babies do something funny again...
August 25, 2009
Two Tips Tuesday
Tip #1 Unique Containers
I looooove containers. I want to put anything and everything in a container if I am able. I think I would have enormous baskets for my girls if it was...you know... humane. But it's not, so I don't but everything else is fair game.
I am also poor so I need to get creative with my containers and sometimes I find new uses for things. I also have this thing for presentation. It has to look pretty. I can spend an hour stuffing a gift bag with tissue paper because it has to look full enough and the colors all have to work. If I have a party, I will actually create a layout of the table. So I admit to a need for things to look pretty. It makes me enjoy the everyday stuff of life.
My tip today is to invite you to see some ways I use or re-purpose containers and maybe it can give you the desire to pretty up the mundane too. Or just have some more convenience. Here are some examples that may get you thinking about what you have around your house to use...
This is an old coffee cup with a broken handle. So I put it in my medicine closet in my bathroom for my cotton balls (the broke handle facing in). Without a handle, it is a perfect container to just reach in and grab a cotton ball. A lot nicer then the bag they come in.
This is soooooo not pretty. But I had to admit I appreciated my Dad's reuse of this IBC container to bring bottled water on a van trip to a museum. I am not a "green" kind of girl but I do endeavor to re-purpose stuff. But my favorite part of this was the convenience. It was just plain smart.
This is an old fashioned type lemonade or iced tea jug. I love it but never use it for this purpose. I like that it has a handle and lid so I often use it as a cookie jar. It keeps them fresh, I can pick it up, and it just looks pretty on my counter. Especially after baking some of those M&M cookies from the girl's birthday party and tying the jar tag to the cookie jar.
This is my one stop coffee station. I so need coffee in the AM. I am not a pretty picture in the mirror or in my speech unless I have a mug in my hand. Well, still not pretty in the mirror but at least I start talking sweetly. So I need things to be readily accessible and right where I need it. I came up with this basket to have all our coffee needs in one place. The mugs are above it on the wall, the coffee and coffee maker to the right. Speedy convenience in a cute basket. Ahhhhh.
This is part of my coffee station. I put my coffee in a square, glass container that used to house pasta but then the presentation of pasta lost its appeal for me ever since carbs have been deemed starchy poison. It looks so pretty in there and I am coveting this gorgeous coffee scoop from my friend's shop Kookie Krums. My sugar is in a cute dispenser for my husband to dump his daily insulin shock amount into his coffee (I'm a splenda girl) and I put a dash of cinnamon in my coffee each day. I give my coffee a little shake of it from that handled jar. It is actually cinnamon sugar in there which I also use on buttered toast as a fun treat. Tip #2 Photo Magnets
Do you ever get these magnets in the mail or on your phone book that are business cards for your fridge? Some are pretty nice to have like appointment cards, emergency numbers or library hours. But they can add up and just start cluttering your fridge with unnecessary information you do not need. So I decided to give them new life...
This one is from this past Valentine's Day when I sent all the grandparent's magnets of the girls with their cutie and festive outfits on. A fun idea is to add some scrapbooking flair to the magnet and smack a photo right on there! It ended up so cute! Or you can just mount a photo on one of the magnets. So instead of some stranger's mug, you got one of your family or friends. Fun, fun, fun!
Happy Tuesday Friends!
