But I am back. Not sure if this is the final chapter because I never know what I will write until the fingers hit the keys. So let's see how far this will take us, shall we?
Where was I? Oh, yes. We kind of left off where Cati was around 10 months old and her birth mother had her first visit with her and her last. This is where it gets so good. I am giddy with anticipation.
So that summer, I was in a wedding which my weight loss paid off in that I felt like a normal bridesmaid. I had been in other weddings where I had to pay more money for extra material!!!! Does that not seem like the most horrendous thing ever? Hi, your fat. Pay up. Ugh. The dress was still a size 12 and I wore a size 4 pants. The sizing world stinks. All righty. I am on a tangent that needs to be saved for another post.
Then that July rolls around. And a day I will never forget arrives. The day my very best friend Kelly calls and excitedly tells me she is pregnant. Now please understand a few things that make this EXTREMELY significant. The first is that she has PCOS like me and struggled long to get pregnant with her oldest son. So if anyone understands the pain of this, it is Kelly. But now she is pregnant with her second and I have never been pregnant with my first!!!!! This phone call came and all time ceased. Was she kidding? I lost all this weight, periods are back and I am still not preggo? They were not even actively trying to have a baby!!!!!!!! I mumbled a quick, "Iamsohappyforyou" and got off the phone.
And began sobbing. Wailing, really. A mewling sound if you will. And I kept asking God to help me breathe.
"Please, God. I am so angry. This hurts so much. Why not me, God? Why?"
Now the fact that I could never get that moment back is not lost on me. But I seriously delved in to the deepest, pit filled depression for a week. And the most sinful, ugly, hidden parts of me came to the fore. Like not speaking to her for a week. Like a tiny, secret part of me hoping that her pregnancy would be lost (I am seriously choked up here because my anger turned to such sin and bitterness), or that I could never, ever be friends with her again. Because she was pregnant. And I was not.
About five days go by and I get an email with the subject line that says..."hi."
I open it to to the sweetest message that tells me how sorry she was for telling me the way that she did, for not being sensitive and that whenever I was ready to talk she would be there. It was compassionate and sensitive.
So the next day I called her to break up with her. Literally, to end our friendship. After praying all week, I was appalled by my behavior, reaction and thought life. I figured that the agony of watching her belly grow...again and having to go to the baby shower and hear about it every day was going to be too much for me to be nice. And I wanted so much to be there for her. But I could not.
This was my solution. I called her to thank her but to say I was an awful best friend and we could not be friends anymore. Now honestly, if the roles were switched I would have got in my car and parked myself at her front door telling her nothing was going to make the friendship be over. But she is not pushy like me. She basically said the friendship was not over no matter what I said and she could not imagine us not being friends. Then she said the loveliest, most selfless thing...if she had the choice she would have me pregnant before her.
That did it.
How can I not be friends with a person like that? Naturally, this is why she is dubbed my BFF. Plus, she is the kindest person I know, she makes me laugh and tells me I am pretty when I am not.
Then she tells me her progesterone levels are so low and the doctor was preparing her for an inevitable miscarriage. My world stilled in that moment because though I had those shameful, horrid, ugly thoughts in my head of this very thing, I never, ever would have wanted that. NEVER! So immediately I prayed for that tiny, forming life to be sustained to term. That life's name is Timothy and he is almost 18 months old now.
I am not sure how but God sustained me from that point forward to be the friend Kelly deserved and to enable me to be happy for her. I had genuine joy! I still ached to be pregnant and I still struggled with jealousy but Kelly's friendship meant more to me then my desire to be pregnant. Let's just throw a picture in to give you a visual...I am a visual kind of girl.
This is Kelly and me from her birthday dinner last month. My prayer is everyone have a friendship like she and I have. She is beyond precious to me.
Back to my timeline. It matters...you will see. By that August we had a wonderful first birthday party for Cati and all was normal but I still had this butterfly feeling in my stomach over the fact that birth mother was possibly going to be back in the picture. Would she pop up unexpectedly again? I was not prepared for more pain and the constant reminder that I was barren. Cati had been with us a year and my heart was hers. She was my daughter. I was her Mommy. We were a family. Period. And I did finally have peace that if Cati was the only child we had, I could be content. I would always want and continue to try to get pregnant but I knew Cati was everything to me and being her Mommy would be the greatest gift from God. Ever.
Meanwhile, the goal that year of her case plan had gone from re-unification to a dual goal of re-unification/adoption. The birth father was unable to be found and seemed to not want to be found. Then the birth mother was arrested and this time would be in prison for quite a bit of time. This process was so up in the air and worrying over it gave me insomnia and the desire to eat all the time. I did keep praying it up and giving it to God. But I worried too.
Yet, while the fostering and potential adoption of Cati continued I had totally focused on getting pregnant. I was using ovulation kits daily and having crazy cycles. Typically, someone who has a 28 day cycle, they ovulate on day 14. Not me. I would have 53 day cycles and not ovulate. Or ovulate late. The latest it will typically occur is by day 20-22. If it does not, you have missed your window for a viable pregnancy. This process is so frustrating. But we were trying, praying, and hoping.
On October 24, 2007, I received a call that has been pivotal in my life until this very day. Do you remember the infertility study I did and then finally listened to God about believing Him for conceiving naturally? OK. Well this time they called to invite me to participate in an IVF study. Money would be required but only $3000. If any of you are unfamiliar, this can cost a family anywhere from $10,000-$20,000 for one time. They told me that they had 40 slots and only 10 were left. They needed to know by morning if this is something I would like to do.
Whoa.
So I call hubby at work, tell him in like 2 minutes and ask him to pray all day, fast if he won't pass out, and we will pray together when he comes home. I then call my mom to tell her and she immediately says she will pay for it. OK, Lord is that you? Then I call Kelly who is literally like, "YOU HAVE TO DO IT! THIS IS SO GOD! WHAT AN AMAZING OPPORTUNITY!!!!!"
Yet. I had no peace. Strange that everything seemed handed to us on a silver platter. But no, no, no peace. I thought I was nervous. Or too excited. But hubby and I talked a little that night when he came home but we prayed. We literally got on our faces before the Lord believing that within the short window of time he would reveal what we should do. As we prayed I deeply sensed God's answer and kept questioning. The answer came loud in the midst of my 87th repetition of "God is that your will?"
We raise our heads from prayer and I look at hubby. So what is our answer?
He looks almost sad as he says.."It's no." That was the answer I got too.
God so strongly impressed upon us both to say no. The next morning I called and told them no and thanked them for the opportunity. I then called Kelly and my mom. My mom was pretty disappointed and felt we may have missed a really great chance. Kelly understood and was believing God right along with us.
A week later a termination hearing was scheduled for the birth parents. The birth mother would have an opportunity to surrender her rights if she showed up and if they were no shows their parental rights would automatically be terminated. Long story short, she was not surrendering (though she showed up) and the lawyer was trying to drag it out. A few days later, she tells her lawyer she is ready to surrender and sign the papers privately.
The signing of her papers was to occur on Friday November 9th. That day, Cati and I were flying north to visit family. I found out that she signed the papers that afternoon after getting off the plane. We were now considered the prospective adoptive parents of Cati. It was just so exciting.
That weekend was a nice time spent with family and I flew home Monday afternoon. I was so itching to take a pregnancy test because I was at 9 days past ovulation (or 9 dpo for my infertility peeps who know all the lingo).
Now understand that for the woman obsessed with conceiving, the driving force is the hope of this moment in the loo. Everything is about the moment. Last month was negative so you spend a week depressed, and then the next week you get your period, the hope begins to spark to a flame, and then...you are in the bathroom again peeing on a stick like a kid waiting for the biggest ice cream cone ever. It becomes ritual.
And you have pregnancy test taker types. Some stare at the stick the entire 3 minutes...waiting and watching. Others can just leave the bathroom and forget about it. I am the sneaky checker. I would glance over at it hoping it would not catch me do it. I would leave the bathroom only to come back to re-flush and take another sneak peek. And if you were obsessed like me, you knew all the scoop on all the tests. I knew which were the stronger ones that could detect hcg (pregnancy hormone) levels the earliest. I knew which ones had frequent false results. I was the pee stick wizard. I also confess to taking a test to a lamp to see a possible faint line. Taking it outside in the sun. And taking it apart to identify the faulty manufacturing of it since it was not revealing the positive I wanted. Or so I could better see the faintest line that my eyes would create in desperation.
So testing just became this monthly thing. So the Monday I flew home I knew I had one of those Internet cheapy tests in the bathroom. The really, skinny, papery ones. But those suckers detect early! And if there was a test in the house I was going to use it. And it was the last one. So I thought about it the whole plane ride home. And before bed, I asked the husbter if I should test. He said wait until morning since the first pee after you wake up is the one with highest levels of hcg. See, you train hubby to know their stuff too so they hold you accountable within your obsession. I said, "You're so right. That is what I will do." Then I go in the bathroom and pee on the stick. Did I mention I was obsessed?
But I forgot to sneak up on it. I just plain forgot. I washed my face, brushed my teeth, and put on my pajamas. Oh, the test! It had been about 5 minutes...
There were two lines...
Our first ever family picture (who all share the same last name)
This pic is us walking out of the courthouse. This balloon has a whole other story behind it but we will save that for another day. But this was a sweet picture of a day we prayed and longed for.
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