Now hear me out before I launch into my saga of a "DEFINING MOMENT."
I am not a fan of bathroom, bodily function humor. My blog is mainly about me, my girls, a dash of crafty, and a whole lot of random. So please know I am not willing to talk about disgusting things at length yet I must tell you that this booger possibly should be framed or at least put in a time capsule as a reminder to the moment reality sunk in.
The date: Today
The time: Approaching the highly anticipated (by me) nap time
Where: In my van with a sleeping 18 month old and a chatty 3 year old.
What: I offer my oldest some animal crackers to quiet the chattiness that quite frankly was making my teeth hurt a tad. Typically, she makes me laugh when we are in the car in that she delights in the mundane. Like buses. Piles of dirt. A wadded up napkin on the console. You know. Thrilling sights such as these. But today it was the same question over and over...
"Are we there yet?"
"Mommy, what's that?"
She may change the sequence but not the questions.
The Moment: I am surprised she is not eager for this sustenance that comes from her nurturing mother's hand. Stale animal crackers dug out of the bottom of the bag. Instead, I hear silence. As I turn, I see the telltale sign of the naughty, no no, nostril probing. She is rolling something between her forefinger and thumb and knows she has been caught.
"Hey, Cate. What's that?"
"Huh. Well, um do you need a tissue?"
"No thanks. I just threw it on the floor."
" Okay, but next time ask me for a tissue. Cuz that's kinda icky."
"Um, no thanks. It's fine on the floor."
It is this moment it dawns on me that this is one of many things I just let go because I am too weary for words. Daily, I feel overwhelmed and yet the realization comes like the dawning of the sun (look at me...I'm like a melancholy poet...and a bad one who uses cliches)...
A booger has made me see the light.
But is it not funny how I can see the light yet action is a long time coming? How about each day I want to spend time in the Word and I am lucky if I know where my bible is...typically it is in my purse from the previous Sunday service or the last bible study. Whenever that was. Yet I know to impart truth to my girls, I need to live it, not just tell it.
Then there is the way I manage my time. All my life I have not managed my time effectively. I was an excellent procrastinator...I AM an excellent procrastinator. But when it was at my own expense it was easier and I could fly by the seat of my pants. Now it will be at the expense of my husband. My girls. My home. My parenting. You get it.
I can get obsessed with my blog. Seriously. I vacillate between being obsessed with it and wanting to just delete it, live a primitive life somewhere in the woods and sew dresses for my girls out of leaves and grass. Because in the long run, my family is all that matters. If I were on my death bed, I really don't picture myself grasping at the air, straining to speak intelligible words and uttering this last request...
"Please...(gasp)...please, just bring me my laptop. (More gasping)...Just one more post. One more follower friend. Pleeeease. My last request, I beg you!"
Yet, I focus on how I feel. Selfishly. Do I need to focus on me at times? Of course! But I also know what God tells me to do daily. Pick up my cross and follow Him. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit but consider others better than myself. Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. Do all things without complaining or arguing. Considering my trials pure joy since it develops perseverance.
I say all this to you here not for advice or help. And I don't say that with pride. So many precious people want to offer up advice at a time when sometimes encouragement and a listening ear is needed. Yet we are doers and want to help others often especially when we know what has worked for ourselves.
But I say all this because this mommy thing is hard. Harder than I ever anticipated. And I am wondering if any of you are with me. Do you see others and think they have it together which only further amplifies your feelings that you do NOT? Often I hear people tell me to enjoy my girls NOW because its fleeting. I get that. I really do. But how do I enjoy in the moment when there is whining, sassiness, tantrums, etc? I know this advice comes from people of wisdom who see the trials to come and in comparison see how much easier it is when they are young. Or see how fast time goes and they are gone before we know it. I get it. I really, really do.
But here is my dilemma. I know the answers. The right ones. I know what I should do. But the evilness of apathy has covered me like a mantle. And in all honesty, this seems a scarier place than defiance or stubborn pride. Because with apathy comes a nonchalance to life. I know I am not depressed. But when I am overwhelmed I shut down. I crash like this stupid computer that beckons me more often than I care to admit. I escape to non thinking things. But I digress because I feel I am droning on and on.
So I am hoping to focus on what is important.
- Give God all of me instead of making Him a 911 call when I am at the end of myself.
- I have stopped trying to be perfect. But I am still trying to be the best. I need to cool it and do MY best.
- Accept failures as mistakes and minor setbacks. Not reasons to hoover an entire box of cereal.
- Pray for kindness and patience with my girls. Heck, all human beings.
- To remember my blog is a wonderful outlet and hobby but not more important than watching my girls hoola hoop.
I want you all to know that you are beyond precious to me. I think it is crazy amazing that you all are friends I have not laid eyes upon and yet I so look forward to hearing from you.
So that's it. Just sharing a defining moment care of my daughter's nostril goo.
Oh I forgot # 6. Always leave a box of tissues in the car. Always.