My Feet Are in a Spacious Place

As I typed out this title, I wondered how many people would be confused by it and perhaps decide not to read it. But I know if it were me, I would HAVE to click it. Curiosity is a weakness. So for you who clicked...thanks for engaging my cryptic and yet (I think) brilliantly poetic title. :)

I just inhaled deeply. That deep breath you take before you begin talking.  Actually, it is more like unloading YOUR LOAD OF WOE.  The load you carry and feel bogged down by burden.  But I don't feel bogged down. It's more like I feel attacked and beaten.  This week has been such spiritual battle for me but there is a reason that God assures us we are more than conquerors.

Let me back up a bit.  First off, you have to understand that we have been in a whirlwind of just good old fashioned STUFF.  House stuff, remodeling, getting ready for school, and running around doing things causing me to wonder what exactly I am accomplishing besides repeating the same cycle the following week.  You know.  Wash clothes, feed children, drive to Point A.  Then to Point B.  Then home.  Then eat.  Then sleep.  Then shower on the 3rd day.  It all takes on this beautiful sense of NORMAL.  And then WHAM!

Job loss.  

Then another WHAM!

I am sick.

WHAM AGAIN!


Girls spike high fevers and become infected with boils.  Oh, I wish I were kidding. I started asking my husband if we were being plagued in a magnificent, biblical, prophetic kind of way.

He said no but I am still not convinced.

The boils thing is something we have dealt with for years and I am ashamed to even blog about it and put it out there.  It is this kind of situation that makes me doubt myself as a mother.  We have seen several doctors, even infectious disease control, but we have no conclusive answers.  It is sporadic...like 3 times a year. And for those who know me I am a clean freak to the point that boiling toothbrushes and combs would be a trait I would admire in a person. As in, you are not weird because I would like detailed instructions to follow suit.

But when it happens,  it always discourages me deeply and as I bleach everything in my house once again, I question my worth. Am I bad mom? Do I keep things TOO clean? Not enough clean? Blah, blah, blah. Though I know this is often a lie, I believe it anyway.  I actually suspect something in our water or pipes but I can't be sure.  The other day I was scrubbing my bath tub and when I turned on the water, this is what came out...

I thought I was seeing things but that water was straight up brown.  I freaked.  So I tried again after 5 minutes and this what came out...

Clear! I thought I imagined the whole thing and at this point my sanity was in total question.  When we first moved in we had to empty the hot water heater due to all the sediment in the bottom.  But it ran clear after about a week.  This came out of nowhere. And still, the girls have struggled with this issue before we moved here.  But we have not been able to figure it out.  We use special cleansers.  We don't reuse towels. I dress them in haz mat suits, etc.  But I am veering off point as usual.

Then there is my oldest daughter who has decided to become...shall I say...difficult. TRIPLE WHAM! Cati must have drank the Koolaid from a sect called  Babies Torturing Mothers.  She has learned strategies that would rival the cunning ways of a CIA agent to make me question my diligent quest for motherhood.  As I tap away she is making squealing sounds from her bed because we have made the unfortunate decision of not giving her attention though she was supposed to be in the REM state of sleep 55 minutes ago.

Then there is my husband who has many job leads and yet no actual possibilities.  Oddly, I am totally confident that God is working. The small stuff lays me out like right hooks to the head.  The big stuff I roll with. Go figure.

I got one of those chain letter emails today that makes you fear for your life if you don't send it to 10 people.  The email actually says that if I am too busy to send it to 10 people that perhaps Jesus is to busy to write my name in the book of life.

True story.

Oh, how I want to start my own chain letter to reference this wayward and alarmingly false theology but I shall take the high road and just look at all the pretty pictures that accompanies the email.  But at the top, in all its blinky form, it said something that struck me...

"When God is about to reposition your life, know that the devil will begin to attack."

Oh, how true.  And I am most vulnerable when my feet are in a spacious place.  When nothing seems to be happening. It was in college or just after, I heard a pastor preach on this verse in Psalm 31 that had significant impact on me. I will share the verse that precedes it to give it some context...

"I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. You have not handed me over to the enemy but have set my feet in a spacious place." Psalm 31:7-8

This pastor said something I have never forgotten in all these years since I was a fairly new Christian when I heard them.  He referenced that last verse and I scribbled the words he said in the margin of my bible.

Do not mistake the Lord's inactivity for absence.

The times I have needed this truth are countless.  And this is one of those times.  As we eagerly wait for Brandon's new job, there is ZERO THINGS HAPPENING ON THE JOB RADAR. Even as I try to figure out my specific purpose on this earth to build God's kingdom. There seems to be heavenly crickets singing our Lord's praises in that area.Even as I spend much too much time considering paint colors for my laundry room and currently non existent master bath that we have stopped remodeling.  Since, you know.  What was once to be my bathtub may now have to take the form of Ramen noodles for dinner or the assurance that a light bulb will still turn to the on position. In all of this, God may not seem to be doing anything for the moment...but He has not left us.  What a comfort!  And as you read through David's anguished words in this psalm, you reach verses 14 and 15...

"But I trust in you, O Lord: I say, 'You are my God.  My times are in your hands...'"

So currently my feet are in a spacious place.  God has not left us though it feels nothing is happening...YET. And there is something so lovely about that YET. I am excited to post about what is YET to come.

And by the way. Thank you for all your prayers, sweet comments, and emails. I go back through them often marveling that I have friends across the nation and world. You all astound me at your thoughtfulness and friendship.

And I leave you with this truth that I live moment to moment during this trial that can only end in triumph.

Though He slay me,  YET will I hope in Him.  Job 13:15 

P.S.  The squealing sounds from Cati were apparently due to her frog night light moving within the electric socket. SHE SAID IT WAS MOVING! This is obviously terrifying to a 4 year old and rightly so since it terrifies me. We have removed said frog and it will not be returning to wreak it's late night havoc.  Thank you and good night.