May 11, 2014

A Mother's Day Post: For Those Who Find Today Not So Happy

I'm sitting here in tears. Just crying in the lobby of my church banging out this post on my little phone. My eyes are bloodshot and I keep spontaneously erupting in tears because my emotions just keep bubbling to the surface, threatening to ruin the makeup I frantically put on this morning to get here on time.


I wasn't sure how to start this post this year. I've done this kind of Mother's Day post for a few years now but this year is so different. My heart is raw with pain having my first Mothers Day without my mom.  And I remember all to well how this day used to be painful because I longed to be a mom. To stand up in church each Sunday as they called the moms to stand. To feel the sense of pride and purpose. And each year I sat (while my sweet mom friends stood) with this gaping hole in my heart that I wanted to fill with a mother's love for a child. 

And through foster care and eventually adoption...I became a mom. And while adopting our Cati, I became pregnant with Ella. Two. TWO?? I never felt more love from the Father than when he fulfilled my deep desire of a child and instead of the one I longed for...He gave me TWO.

Isn't that just like God? :) I sometimes doubt the scripture that tells us He longs to be gracious to us. 

"Yet The Lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up and show you compassion. For the LORD is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him." Isaiah 30:18.

A foundation of truth I stand upon now. 

But I have never forgotten my journey. I can still feel that pain acutely so my compassion overflows to other women who long to be a mom too. To fill that desire of their hearts. 

And to other women today...

-birth moms who gave the ultimate sacrifice of love to give up their flesh and blood in order to give them life. Who may ache today as they think about their children who are not with them. I think about Cati's birth mom a lot. 

-for women like me today who are missing their moms. Who may be filled with pain, perhaps regrets, if only's and just memories because their mom's have passed on or walked away from being a mom. 

-for those who are estranged from their moms or their children. Who, through trial and difficulty, feel the chasm widen today as they long for reconciliation. 

-for those mothers who have lost a child in death or miscarriage. Oh, how the pain of this loss must feel all consuming today. To know that a piece of their heart is missing. 

-for the orphans and foster children that long to look into the eyes of the one they will one day call mom forever. Who want to understand why their parents couldn't care for them or want them like they should. 

-for single moms who courageously and diligently hold their families together working hard and giving their all. And some who are holding on by a thread, living day to day to be the best mom they can be. 

It grieves me that this day can bring pain. Sometimes I wish I didn't feel this compassion and empathy. I wish I could only see the happy smiles, and flowers clutched in chubby, small hands as they hand them to their mommies. The precious hugs and well wishing to moms on their first mothers day as they proudly cradle newborns in their arms. To see all the generational photos pop up on our facebook feed of grandmothers, mothers, daughters, and granddaughters. 

But today, each year, God lifts the veil for me to also see the quiet pain this day can bring to so many. The pain I feel too. 

And I'm missing my mom today. More than I anticipated. I miss the woman who loved me, raised me, nurtured me and protected me. I miss her and my grandmother who I lost two years ago. 

And now more than ever, I'm truly understanding the responsibility of being a mother. To pour into our children with blessing, attention, time, loving kindness, and exhortation. To be a small sample of the love God has for us. I've come face to face with the significance of our role. No matter if it is significantly good or significantly lacking...mothers leave a resonating mark on our lives. It's up to us what we do with this enormous role.

So today as we celebrate being a mothers and grandmothers, let us also honor and remember the ones in quiet anguish. 

I'm praying for you, not knowing your faces or your names. But understanding your hearts since we are part of a sisterhood where we know each other's pain. I'm lovingly placing you in Jesus' hands knowing that He can bring you comfort and carry your burdens for you.

With so much love in my heart, 
Jessica xoxo

4 comments:

  1. I read your post so many years ago. Your story about infertility and your struggles that you battled; i was battling the same things and I had not yet had my babies (now both adopted). Im so sorry about the loss of your mom. I will be praying. This mothers day post is so appreciated. Helps me never to forget where I was just a few years ago, actually just last mothers day. Praying for you and thank you again for your thoughtful words.

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  2. Your post was so beautifully written. Happy mother's day to you. God bless you and your family.

    Danielle

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  3. This is so beautiful. Your mother and grandmother must be so proud of you.

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