It's time. I have often wondered if this blog can sometimes confuse people. Do they wonder where the focus might be? Why I write stories one day, talk about how God inspires me the next and then throw a little crafty thing in there? But that's me. And I like it.
But you need to know how this all began. My journey to being a mother. How my life came to be at this point. At this moment. How the journey during these last 6 years have shaped me to be the person I am now.
This will be a blog mini-series of sorts. I am not sure if it will be daily or weekly because the story is long. Incredibly miraculous, so it is worth it. But I may have to return to a valley I have emerged from that was rather dark for me. Scary and hopeless (or so I thought). So I will do my best. My goal is to have my words here be a heritage to my children. Memories, creative fun, laughter, some tears and most of all, to thank my Jesus.
I am not sure how much humor will enter into this because this was a tough time in my life. You will share with me the pain of infertility, the path through becoming foster parents, understanding what it means to have radical faith, and becoming a mom to my girls. So here goes...
OK. I am staring at the monitor wondering how to begin this.
Let's start wiiiiiiith...
Once upon a time...I got married.
June 16, 2002 to be exact. A sweet outside wedding in North Carolina where we lived. My husband and I were friends for a year, started dating around Thanksgiving of 2001, engaged by February 2002 and BAM...married 4 months later. I so sounded like Emeril there and I really just don't have the energy to delete it. But whatever. Things were great. I had decided to go on birth control three months earlier fearful that I would be pregnant too soon. Oh, how young and idealistic I was. Anyway, told my OB that I had not had my period in a year. Yes, a year. She said she really did not think we had anything to worry about. We could run some blood tests but did not feel it was a major issue. Okidokes. You're the doc, I will go with that.
Within 10 months of being married, we moved to Florida and in November of 2003 we decide to start trying to have a baby. I have an annual check, tell them my plans, go off the pill and my period decides to be MIA for the next 3 months. I go back to my OB to find out what is going on, they run blood work and realize I have something I have never heard of before; Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome or PCOS. I had never heard of it but I had almost every single marker for having it. Always carried extra weight, still would break out like a teenager, my blood work confirmed it. The next step was an ultrasound of my ovaries which was the final confirmation since the ultrasound indicated a pearl like strand of cysts all over my ovaries. And so began a journey through infertility that I thought so naively was not a big deal.
Initially, it was not something I felt sad or worried about. I was not yet in the infertility trenches of yearning for a child. I was in the beginning stage of asking myself, how long will this really take? I will take some of these here chlomid pills, give it a whirl a few months and there you have it...we will make a baby. Uh, not what happened.
But in the process of this I began meeting fellow PCOSers. With children. Or pregnant. OK, so I was like what is the big deal? But after doing 3 cycles of chlomid with no indications of ovulation, it was time to be referred to an Infertility Specialist.
This is when allllllll the pieces began coming together to form the much needed BIG PICTURE for me. Here was the bottom line which finally became reality for me...it will be hard to get pregnant. Period. You kinda need to ovulate to make a baby. And I was not ovulating. At all.
OK. I am actually entering a sad place even with my two children sleeping peacefully in their rooms. So I am going to wrap up for today. It is the strangest thing. When you talk to anyone who has had a similar journey, you realize they never really can forget. The sadness and pain, I mean. My friend who has 4 children under 3 (triplets about to turn 3 and a 13 month old) still says it is hard to hear when people are pregnant. The same for me. And everyone I know seems to have a bun cooking or the timer just went off. But I will delve into that issue a little later. Just wanted you to get a sneak peek into the genesis of Jessica becoming a mommy.
Until my next post...or until one of these miracle babies do something funny again...