You Know What Goes Well With Disappointment?

Ice Cream.

Yep.  As I sit here and peck away at these keys I have some slow churned Edy's sitting here melting onto my desk. Actually it is melting on to this printed out MLS listing for this house we put an offer on.  I even opened some M&M's and poured them right on in to this here carton. And boy does it taste good. I believe this carton of ice cream here is the buffer needed to prevent disappointment from sliding into depression. I may get fatter but at least I will be happier on my journey there.

I thought long and hard about this post because I really was worried that I would seem faithless after being told a big, fat, meany, NO on the house and becoming so sad about it. Wait, maybe I should back up and tell you what happened.  As many of you figured out, I type like I think and like I talk.  Backing up...

Today we countered again and they said no even in the phone call. Which kinda stinks because we asked them on Saturday if we offered a certain number, would they consider it.  They said for us to get it in writing, we did, and they say an immediate no.  Huh. Well, God has spoken.  I am just sad we wasted a weekend.  

Oh that's right.  We had our faces in the toilet and so did our poor realtor.  Never mind.  No time wasted.

But back to my thoughts on posting about this.  I suppose I wanted to come at you with this super duper, spiritual-giant-like thing to say to show you how faithful I am.  And holy with a capital H. But then I realized I can be so dogmatic in how I think that being sad is somehow wrong, or faithless, or even sinful.  

All baloney.

One thing I know is that  I endeavor to be a Christian who is honest about the stuff of life. And I have to say I am so sad this house did not work out.  Sure, I can hope the deal falls through and they come back to us.  I can hope that a bigger and better house would be closer to Cati's school or my husband's work to shorten his commute. 

But in all of it I know that God said no and I truly rest in that no.  But here is what I am not resting in...His ultimate answer.  No is fine and often we hear the platitudes that God has something better...I even say that.  But here are my questions messaged into the Kingdom  today... 

What if His better is not My better?  

What if my wants have become ideals? 

What if what God has is something I need to have a thankful heart about instead of crying out about what is "right" for us in my own eyes?  

I often find I can start praying AT God like I am offering up a memo and then console myself that God got Jessica's memo.  Miss Churchy Smartpants USA with the sash to prove it has given God the memo about His will and her wants. When we put them alllll together they create the pot of gold at the end of my psycho rainbow.

How disillusioned can I be and how insulting is that to my King? 

I am not saying I have done that with this particular house but I am wondering if I am at a spiritual place where I know the right things to say yet I am really not being honest with God. Truly baring my heart to the God who knows it all anyway.  I used to pray brutally honest things like:

God, this woman annoys me.  And I don't love her at all. Her perfume is appalling and she seems to think being a know it all is attractive to other people.  Please help me to love her.  I want to please you yet talking to this person is so unpleasant that I believe my flesh will take the driver's seat and give her what for.  The joy of the Lord is my strength. Amen.

or

Lord God in Heaven.  I know I prayed for these children.  I know that you put us on a glorious journey of faith to place them in our lives.  But why don't you prepare us for things like when my oldest will take a shoe string out of a shoe and proceed to create an intricate noose leash with it pretending her little sister is her pet dog? I love them Lord but it truly is by your grace that they made it to their bedtimes alive.

This is honesty with God who knows our frail humanity is so limited.  But I find myself in a strange place when I say the "right" things to God in prayer.

Your will not mine, God. 

When I really want to say,

"I WANT THAT HOUSE EVEN IF IT ISN'T YOUR WILL!" 

Like if I really say the truth in my heart, HE will punish me for my selfish, wicked wants.  I know this is not true.  I KNOW IT.  But this is how I think and behave,  It is like there is a disconnect between my knowledge and the wisdom that lives out that knowledge.  Strange. Yet I also know when I truly confess my heart's desire that happens to not align with God's, He is so merciful because I always find my way back to wanting His will and not my own.

But today I am being real. I prayed that I wanted this house so much but that if it came back a no, I am believing God for his protection, provision, and ultimate plan for us.

But I am still so, so, so sad. 

And the ice cream is gone.  Which is fine because I am a little mad at it too.  I feel sick. I am so thinking God is teaching me something here. But anyways.  Back to the house search.

I am a little bit wiser.  A little less idealisitic.  And probably 3 pounds heavier.