March 8, 2010

You Know What Goes Well With Disappointment?

Ice Cream.

Yep.  As I sit here and peck away at these keys I have some slow churned Edy's sitting here melting onto my desk. Actually it is melting on to this printed out MLS listing for this house we put an offer on.  I even opened some M&M's and poured them right on in to this here carton. And boy does it taste good. I believe this carton of ice cream here is the buffer needed to prevent disappointment from sliding into depression. I may get fatter but at least I will be happier on my journey there.

I thought long and hard about this post because I really was worried that I would seem faithless after being told a big, fat, meany, NO on the house and becoming so sad about it. Wait, maybe I should back up and tell you what happened.  As many of you figured out, I type like I think and like I talk.  Backing up...

Today we countered again and they said no even in the phone call. Which kinda stinks because we asked them on Saturday if we offered a certain number, would they consider it.  They said for us to get it in writing, we did, and they say an immediate no.  Huh. Well, God has spoken.  I am just sad we wasted a weekend.  

Oh that's right.  We had our faces in the toilet and so did our poor realtor.  Never mind.  No time wasted.

But back to my thoughts on posting about this.  I suppose I wanted to come at you with this super duper, spiritual-giant-like thing to say to show you how faithful I am.  And holy with a capital H. But then I realized I can be so dogmatic in how I think that being sad is somehow wrong, or faithless, or even sinful.  

All baloney.

One thing I know is that  I endeavor to be a Christian who is honest about the stuff of life. And I have to say I am so sad this house did not work out.  Sure, I can hope the deal falls through and they come back to us.  I can hope that a bigger and better house would be closer to Cati's school or my husband's work to shorten his commute. 

But in all of it I know that God said no and I truly rest in that no.  But here is what I am not resting in...His ultimate answer.  No is fine and often we hear the platitudes that God has something better...I even say that.  But here are my questions messaged into the Kingdom  today... 

What if His better is not My better?  
What if my wants have become ideals? 
What if what God has is something I need to have a thankful heart about instead of crying out about what is "right" for us in my own eyes?  

I often find I can start praying AT God like I am offering up a memo and then console myself that God got Jessica's memo.  Miss Churchy Smartpants USA with the sash to prove it has given God the memo about His will and her wants. When we put them alllll together they create the pot of gold at the end of my psycho rainbow.

How disillusioned can I be and how insulting is that to my King? 

I am not saying I have done that with this particular house but I am wondering if I am at a spiritual place where I know the right things to say yet I am really not being honest with God. Truly baring my heart to the God who knows it all anyway.  I used to pray brutally honest things like:

God, this woman annoys me.  And I don't love her at all. Her perfume is appalling and she seems to think being a know it all is attractive to other people.  Please help me to love her.  I want to please you yet talking to this person is so unpleasant that I believe my flesh will take the driver's seat and give her what for.  The joy of the Lord is my strength. Amen.

or

Lord God in Heaven.  I know I prayed for these children.  I know that you put us on a glorious journey of faith to place them in our lives.  But why don't you prepare us for things like when my oldest will take a shoe string out of a shoe and proceed to create an intricate noose leash with it pretending her little sister is her pet dog? I love them Lord but it truly is by your grace that they made it to their bedtimes alive.

This is honesty with God who knows our frail humanity is so limited.  But I find myself in a strange place when I say the "right" things to God in prayer.

Your will not mine, God. 

When I really want to say,

"I WANT THAT HOUSE EVEN IF IT ISN'T YOUR WILL!" 

Like if I really say the truth in my heart, HE will punish me for my selfish, wicked wants.  I know this is not true.  I KNOW IT.  But this is how I think and behave,  It is like there is a disconnect between my knowledge and the wisdom that lives out that knowledge.  Strange. Yet I also know when I truly confess my heart's desire that happens to not align with God's, He is so merciful because I always find my way back to wanting His will and not my own.

But today I am being real. I prayed that I wanted this house so much but that if it came back a no, I am believing God for his protection, provision, and ultimate plan for us.

But I am still so, so, so sad. 

And the ice cream is gone.  Which is fine because I am a little mad at it too.  I feel sick. I am so thinking God is teaching me something here. But anyways.  Back to the house search.

I am a little bit wiser.  A little less idealisitic.  And probably 3 pounds heavier.

21 comments:

  1. Well I heard the next door neighbors to that house are crazy maniacs so you are soo lucky you didn't get it...well not really but hoping that will make it a little easier. It is hard when our desires are different than God's plan...& maybe you will never even know why...maybe you will never even know that next month a pipe will burst & the whole house has to be redone but your trust in God is soooooo eveident & beautiful & Yeah...he knows you are sad, you're right no hiding it even if we say the right things. This post is a great reminder to me how to pray. I was just telling my small group from church that my prayer life seems so forced & dry lately & I am not sure how to fix it. But I think you are helping me with that...just be real...be "brutally honest"...talk to my best friend who knows me better than anyone...thank Jessica....you have hepled me today :) Oh & And I really can't believe you didn't even save me a bite of that ice cream :)

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  2. I am so, so sorry. I hate house hunting. I hate house SELLING even more, but house hunting is the worst. It truly turns me into a shallow mess of a human being because I stomp my feet and want homes that God doesn't want for me and I handle it far less gracefully than you just did.

    I love how honest you are in this-and you made me examine something about myself. Am I being honest with my King? Am I pretending with Him as well?

    I know that you know this and this is cliche...but there is a house out there for you. He has a plan and it is far better than you can imagine. Who knows, maybe that house had hidden mold. Or termites. :)

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  3. I am a firm believer that God doesnt mind one iota if your upset with his decision to not give you this house. His feelings aren't hurt and he has created you in such a way that he knows your excited and hopeful and that your trying to work it out in your heart right now,,, but he created you knowing that you'll need time.

    Its not that something better may come,, its that something better WILL come.:)

    hugs
    D

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  4. oh goodness, you must be honest with your Father since He knows your heart anyway. Sometimes we don't come around to wanting God's will right away. We fight it, but just like you still love your girlies when they fight you, oh how much more does God still love you Jessica! When we got our ugly ole farm, I was living in the house of my dreams, yes my dream house, we had just built! I pinched myself... 6 months into it, hubby wanted more room. I said I WILL NEVER LIVE IN THAT UGLY RUST HOUSE!! Well here I am, I fought it tooth and nail, but oh my, if I only would have known... how much I would love it here. But we are not meant to see the future or we would surely change it, and God already has it just right.. just pray for His will no matter what, I've learned I will never be happy unless I am in His will, even if it is not what I would choose.
    Your poor realtor got sick too?
    Prudy

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  5. I wrote a big, long, comment full of my incredible wisdom and when I clicked "post comment", it vanished! I hate when God tells me to shut up already.

    Love you, Jess. I am praying for you!

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  6. I can't wait to see what His bigger and better plan is...let's just hope it comes before we both eat pounds and pounds of M&M's. :)

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  7. Thank you for this post. I needed chocolate and ice cream today too, but since we have none, I've used my toddler's Goldfish as a miserable substitute. I'm dealing with a huge disappointment right now, and I too need to be honest with God about my emotions and desires. I've given others this advice a dozen times, yet I can't seem to follow my own advice. It's time for some honest prayer. Thanks for the reminder!

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  8. ok...so the good thing is and i didn't want to tell you is we are praying about selling our house! want it? really...it's a little farther north than everything we do and we have out grown it! it was a great starter, but we're praying that God might have something better for us out there. we'll let you find your's first though...and by the way...i'm hoping we're not the neighbor libbie was referring to.

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  9. I still am a little amazed that I have been awake in the night praying for someone I have never met, who lives in another country and who I don't know, but I have! I know the disappointment of lost realestate, twice. :) I wish I had all the answers for you, but I do know this: Honesty is always best, God knows it anyway, none of this is new information for Him! Disappointment, sadness,.. and everything that comes with it, is normal and needs an outlet, and never, never means that you are faithless or sinful or wrong. And last...m&m's and icecream, are a wonderful combination-'nuff said! God is good always!~ Hang in there!

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  10. REJECTION IS GOD'S PROTECTION. I heard this on the bonnie hunt show last week and I thought how true. Maybe it will help.

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  11. thanks so much! this was so convicting and inspiring for my newest post! it is so neat to be learning in the Lord through strangers in blogger world!

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  12. You are a very, very good writer Jess.
    Love you,
    Jenn N
    xo

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  13. i have the weirdest prayers too!
    sometimes i think the Lord is like
    "What!.. My poor little girl(as He pats my head).. you need extra help" lol

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  14. "Lean not on your own understanding...."

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  15. Oh my, Just like Marla above, I just finished writing this big long comment and when I clicked to publish, it got deleted. HAHAHA! OK, so just want you to know that your post put into words a lot of things I'm dealing with right now in my prayer life. Thanks for making it coherent. My prayers have been a lot different today - just asking God to renew an intimacy in my prayers to Him. And a whole lot fewer memos thrown His way. Anyway.. Thanks, Friend! I needed that. I love you and am praying for you and this house thing.

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  16. I so wish I could describe to all of you what your comments have meant to me regarding this post. I had no idea God would use this to encourage some of you and I stand in awe of our Maker. God is so good, so mindful of us. And I just love all of you for your uplifting, empathetic, encouraging comments. And right now I am going to do something sneaky. I am going to see how many of you actually come back and read these. Because today we were offered some extra money by a family member to possibly come back and re-offer again. Not sure what they will do but what an amazing turn of events. Funny thing is...we are not sure if that is what God wants us to do. Praying for clarity on that one...love to all of you.

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  17. What??? You have sneaky money??? Oh, this is so awesome. So......I am waiting.......

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  18. Well...you've slept on it. What did you decide? Did you make a new offer? Come on! You're killing me!

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  19. Oh Jess! This is like your IVF story! OMW. I am so praying hard for you. Please give me specific prayers for you - specific. Please call me when you can!

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  20. Jess, I'm so sorry to hear this fell through. God is preparing a place for so many of us in this crazy situation. It feels impossible sometimes to take what God gives and release what was never ours. Hang in there.

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  21. Sooo??? Yes, no, maybe? Did you offer, will they take it? Just wondering :)

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I love, love, love, comments and I read every one! Please keep in mind that I sometimes moderate each one so it may take a bit before it appears on the post. Thanks my sweet friends!