Chilling title, huh?
I have tossed around writing this post for quite some time but I always know that when I write it...I am accountable to it. I have a post started back in December titled Wife Confessions and I cannot finish it because it is so painful to realize the many things I do are not so "Proverbs 31ey and wifey." )or is it wifely? Are either a word?)
Now I want to explain my wording. I have found that I make light of the word IDOL. I mean, it sounds meaningless to me after learning to speak churchese for the last 13 years of walking with Christ. Don't bow down to idols. OK. Like what? Statues? Altars with pictures of the hottie from two doors down all over them? The entrance to Neiman Marcus? What is an idol? A television show where people sing?
Ahhh...but when I just tweak the semantics of this entrapping sin and call those same idols...GODS. Whoa.
The term is then NOT lost in translation. Nope. It is pretty clear what an idol is and I am seeing them creep up in my life faster than I can gain victory over even one. I just gather them in like berries in a basket. And eat them. One by one by one. Then the basket becomes empty so I fill it again but with more. So I can eat more and still have some left over. Are you getting the picture?
And the other problem is that they seem innocent at first. Harmless. Let me list some for you and maybe you can relate...
Food. Ya gotta eat, right? A basic need. Of course. Ah yes but food can become my friend. My "go to" for comfort and endorphin release. NOT to my GREAT COUNSELOR. Food that only induces guilt and worthlessness. Never conviction that prompts me to action and repentance.
Buying...anything. I jokingly call shopping my retail therapy but I think it grows into an unhealthy thing. I can not explain to you what glee I have in buying just a little something. I rejoice over a cute grocery list pad! New sponges bring me indescribable joy. And bananas! If I have bananas in the house I feel complete. I am so strange. But then we go in to the land of indulgence when I need to buy a new outfit for bible study because I fear recycling an outfit or shirt within the 8 week study. Or I need a new bag because the one I am using is not seasonally to date. Most assuredly, it becomes an idol when I feel that familiar discontent that is truly...coveting.
Media and Techy things. I say this because this blankets a lot of things for lots of people. Personally, I don't do facebook because I go to confirm a friend and some unseen force pulls me in to people's photo albums and I have no idea who they are but I am on photo 32 before I realize I am a modern day peeping tom. Or as we say today...I am an active participant in this trend of voyeurism.
I have a cell phone but can only dial a number and text.
I don't have cable buuuuuuuut...hulu is a devious thing. Hubbie and I used to read in bed and fell asleep at a nice 11:30pm. Now the stupid LOST series has us up until 2 am and there is no stopping our need to see it to its completion. It disgusts me. Yet I will do it again tonight. Because...I CAN!
These are only 3 of the many but I can honestly tell you that they are all consuming. The funny thing is...the alternatives to all 3 become sin for me too. This is a great tool of the enemy and I marvel at the subtlety.
For example. When I finally get off my rump and consistently run again, I will very possibly grow obsessed. Again. I will drive myself to run faster. Run farther. And I will calculate my pounds lost. How many more to go. Count every calorie. And think about it every waking minute thereby increasing my waking minutes because I am...obsessed.
Or when I shut the TV off and pick up a book. I love to read. Love it and prefer it to television. But I will read a book in its entirety in a day or two. And pick up another. And if I am reading a particular author, I need to read EVERY book written by that author. And I will do this at the expense of my kids and my husband who needs my attention. Because I am running the race to finish the book. And when I finish I am sad too. I need therapy.
Or when I save money and try not to spend money, I am discontent.
In a nutshell, ANYTHING can become a God. And I know why this is the case for me.
Because God is not my God. At least not right now. He is not my hope, not my comfort, not my shelter in time of need. He is not my counselor, my living water, the lover of my soul. He is not my heavenly daddy, my provider, my deliverer.
Because I am. And I suck at it.
I tell you this because there are days that I have intentionally gone to delete this blog and not care what anyone thinks of me anymore. I grow tired of not hearing from people, losing followers, or wondering if people like what I have to say. There are days I wished I was back to 3 followers and no expectations. Just me. Writing when I felt like it and posting crafts whenever I wanted to. Now I feel like it is a burden.
Then I stop. And realize another GOD has emerged. One that I attempt to bless and cultivate rather than let God do all the work. So now I am going to do just that. I am going to let God be the head of this blog and not me. And I am so excited to find out what it will look like.
In the meantime, are any of you wondering what gods are in your life that you don't want there? Because I can tell you that there are far more for me than I even listed. And I am here to say that I am going to have VICTORY and God will get all the Glory.
I am tired of competing with Him for Glory. Because it is what I am doing. I want praise. recognition. Attention. Fame.
You know what I used to want? To meet people. Make friends. Share Christ's love. Influence women for God. Be the best mom I can be. To be REAL AND TRANSPARENT was my passion! What happened?
I simply let other god's rule me. And even as I write I fear no one will relate, no one will care about this inner battle I am putting out there for all to see. But God cares and He sees my heart. And I pray it encourages one of yours. I need to get real again. And just be who God wants me to be in life and even in this blog.
God, please bless this post and use it for your glory. Not mine.