February 3, 2010

Making Changes

Whew.

That was a much needed break.  I suppose you may be curious about the "why" since the "what" was obvious that I wanted to spend more time with my girls. 

I guess I have been in a life slump and just needed to remember what is important.  I was making so many selfish decisions that benefited only me, myself, and moi.  Plus, this blog has become what I did not anticipate with such a  fun little writing outlet.

An idol.

I will tell you that honestly I would peek in on my email numerous times a day just to see of someone stopped by my little blog.  I would cruise other blogs like crazy and I do believe I would be appalled if I added up all the minutes I did this throughout the day.  A waste.  Here my girls are asking me to play, hugging my knees with mac and cheese hands, and I am more concerned about what people in the blogosphere are saying to me.

Then my BFF, often the voice of reason, said something that stopped me in my tracks.  She said that often, as moms, we feel like we are living in the midst of a thankless job in this particular season of our lives.  After confessing this to her and appealing to her for her wisdom, she said that perhaps I had a need to feel appreciated or distinctive in some way outside my normal mommy role. And in blog-land I find it.

Oh such wisdom. No truer words have never been spoken about the quiet place in my heart that no one can see.  Sometimes I feel like I am never me anymore.  My name is Mommy and that is it. I wanted that title for so long that it pains me to admit how misinformed I was. Basically since I conjured up my own fantasy land and  went to live in there.  I just thought I would dress up these cute little peanuts, play with them, show them off to the public, and throw in some scripture for a happy, DIY, simple upbringing.

Um, Jess? Visit reality much?

This parenting thing is so wonderful, so incredible.  It touches places in my heart I did not even know existed  But this ride is certainly not a simple one.  And it it is teaching me so much about dying to self.  To literally be a servant to God in my home.

That is a hard pill to swallow, friends. 

If I had it my way, I would read, craft, and drink coffee in my spare time.  My reality tells me to fold that laundry waiting in the basket for 3 days, get the dishes out of the sink, plan that menu, give my hubby the respect and home he deserves and hug your little girls a gazillion time because they won't be little for long.

But the FUN NEWS?

Here are some notable discoveries during my hiatus as I took time to engage in the little stuff...
  • Cati blows her nose and then puts the tissue BACK IN THE TISSUE BOX. Lovely discovery. I had just thought they pulled them out and stuffed them back in. 
  • They both discovered that inserting raisins into door knobs is a favorite pastime.  I can assure you they are not exclusive to raisins. Bendaroos, craft pom pom balls, paper, and littlest pet shop toys that can only be viewed under a high powered microscope.
  • Ella is talking more and more every day. Her latest? "No. No. Nonononononononono." But my favorite word she can say is Play Doh.  But she needs to say it. Not eat it.
  • Cati & Ella no longer enjoy my singing with them.  I am told it is "Cati & Ella time."  Okidokes.
  • I have discovered that a British accent (of which I do an inexcusable job) renders fear in my children rather than fun.  I made a  note to self:  British accent, though all together dignified and lovely (like calling a pimple a "spot," prounounced "spaught") is not fun to little children."  It instills fear that mommy does such a poor portrayal.  I shall stick to my mixture of NJ, NY, MD, with a dash of southern.  That ain't so pretty either but it's what they know.
  • Cati has become extremely exuberant about her awareness of her private parts.  This is a work in progress to tone down her "Go Tell it on a Mountain" proclamation of said parts.
  • Ella prefers to offer up affection on her own terms but my arms are open whenever she is ready.
So I think I am back on track again.  I have so many fun ideas for this blog but no time for the application of them.  So right now I will continue to wing it in the hope that all of you are along for the ride with me. 

P.S.  Big change a-brewing tonight...I am getting a haircut. 
MAJOR SEVERING OF LENGTH I tell you.  Before and after pics to come.  I am nervous.   Excited.  OK.  I kinda want to throw up.  But this is so necessary. 

    15 comments:

    1. Authentic, and lovely, and so so true... not just of you but of most of us moms and our struggle to find our worth and identity in God, in the midst of kleenex and fingerpaint!

      ReplyDelete
    2. Being a mom is wonderful and rewarding but there are definitely moments in the day where you just want to be you. God is patient and knows that we are a work in progress, and kids are resilient and love us even when we are not sure of ourselves.

      ReplyDelete
    3. I must say...you are awesome! I think we all as moms sometimes forget how important that mac-n-cheese hug is! God gave us a great gift when he made us parents and sometimes we don't see it that way when the reality of it all sets in. It is wonderful to have friends that you know will truly put you back in the real world when it seems you are so far away!

      ReplyDelete
    4. So true! Good luck with the haircut, i am well overdue but fear is a word i link to walking into the hairdressers!!

      ReplyDelete
    5. I LOVE your candor! I am so glad I found your blog because it really is uplifting--thanks!

      ReplyDelete
    6. What an awesome awakening... to a conscious awareness of the priorities of being a mother.
      You are a delight to read! I think the greatest calling from God is that of being a mother. Unfortunately society tells us we need to be so much more to feel good about our selves. Don't buy into that.
      You have come to a conclusion that it takes others years to figure out, Congradulations!
      Many, Many Blessing sent your way, Deborah

      ReplyDelete
    7. Sometimes we need those breaks to re-group, re-focus and re-organize priorities. You made a great decision. Excited to see your new hair cut. I just did the same thing (http://dianaturner.blogspot.com/2010/01/new-haircut.html). All my life (42 years) I've had LONG Naturally Curly hair. I just had a bunch chopped off a week ago. I was nervous and scared but, like you, I felt it was SO necessary! And I even got all teary-eyed when I saw it... out of happiness. It was a wonderful decision and everyone who sees me raves about the difference. :)

      ReplyDelete
    8. "...I had a need to feel appreciated or distinctive in some way outside my normal mommy role. And in blog-land I find it."

      Amen!

      ReplyDelete
    9. you made me tear up with your honesty.. Im a new mommy and a new blogger.. Jesus and my family need to come first.. Thank you

      ReplyDelete
    10. Ok, seriously - were you listening in on my guilty thoughts and then proceded to write them down for all and sundry? I thought I was going to write this post. And then you did. :o)

      ReplyDelete
    11. I was just emailing back and forth with a friend about this very thing. Thank you for saying it out loud.

      ReplyDelete
    12. I feel refreshed just living vicariously through your bloggy break. So, thanks!

      And I can't wait for you to post pics of your "before" and "after" hairdo!!!

      ReplyDelete
    13. so true so true, thanks for sharing this. Fun info about the girls. love it. cant wait to see the hair.
      going to try "british nanny" on my 2 yr old...
      prudence

      ReplyDelete
    14. I hope you enjoyed your bloggy break! I introduced you to all my friends on my blog, so the fun and laughter, and great ideas can be shared. Mommying is so much more fun when you realize others feel the same ways that you do (esp when it comes to Mommy guilt)

      Thanks for writing for us!
      Kristy

      http://waitingforryder.blogspot.com/2010/02/recommended-bloggy-reading.html

      ReplyDelete
    15. Oh Jess, I am proud of you for this one. It is so really-real. And I love you for it. Everyone must relate.
      About your hair- you are wrong about second guessing the do (I am reading the blog backwards) and right about not paying attention to how Marie said to fix it yourself. She had to show me several times before I felt like I "got it" and could do my own version of it if I actually had time. Just get her to show you again next time- or you can take Carter for his haircut and she can show you then! How about that? And she is right about the hair products too- took me a while to be convinced but I am now. Did I mention Carter had TWO black eyes from his bed jumping stunt? Poor boy. Then got an extra bruise in church nursery from jumping off a rocking chair! He looks like he was in a war.
      love you- Jenn N

      ReplyDelete

    I love, love, love, comments and I read every one! Please keep in mind that I sometimes moderate each one so it may take a bit before it appears on the post. Thanks my sweet friends!